Mommy, Do Vampires?
by CloudForTifa
Summary: Renesmee has a few questions about what vampires can or can’t do. HUMOUR! Don't take it too seriously! It's all good fun!


_**Mommy, Do Vampires…?**_

Synopsis: Renesmee has a few questions about what vampires can or can't do.

Genre: Humor/Friendship/Family

Note: This fan fiction is just a retarded joke that me and my friend, Sarah came up with. We just figured that Renesmee would have a few questions about what vampires could do. Her question today: Read to find out! Well, enjoy the randomness!

Renesmee was now five years old. She was finally capable of speaking, which was both a good thing and a bad thing. The good thing? I can finally communicate with my lovely daughter. The bad thing? She asks questions. A lot of questions.

"Mommy?" Renesmee asked in a sweet voice.

I sighed, aware that another question was coming. "Yes, dear?" Edward chuckled beside me; he knew a question was coming, too.

"Um… this may seem like a strange question, but… do vampires… fart?"

I could hear Emmett's booming laughter from the kitchen. I laughed a bit myself, unaware of what the answer was.

Edward laughed. "You really want to know? Emmett, come here!"

Emmett walked in, still laughing. "Yeah?"

"Renesmee, here, wants to know if vampires are capable of flatulating", Edward said, clearly trying to hold back a howl of laughter.

Emmett made a face, and all of a sudden, we all heard a ripping noise. "Ahhhh. There we go".

Rosalie walked down the stairs with a look of disgust. "Emmett!"

He looked slightly frightened. "Yeah, hun?" I heard him gulp quietly.

"That was pathetic! Renesmee could do better than that!" She said rudely, though I could sense a bit of affection in her voice. I looked at Renesmee, who had a slightly surprised look on her face. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a squeaky noise was heard. Everyone turned to where the noise had come from, the kitchen, and saw Alice standing, grinning. Jasper stood beside her, horrified.

"And you thought mine was pathetic, Rose?" Emmett said arrogantly.

"Bring it on, teddy bear!" I said with a grin.

Emmett made a twisted face again, and this time, an even louder ripping noise was heard. "Beat that!"

Suddenly a noise that sounded like a car engine was heard. "Jasper!" Alice said, her voice both surprised and impressed. "I didn't know you had it in you!"

Jasper made a 'humph' noise, and walked toward the stairs.

"What a party pooper!" said Alice, skipping farther into the living room. "What do you think guys? Farting contest?"

A noise, sounding like a cross between a rifle and a lion's roar, was heard. "Bring it", said Rosalie triumphantly.

Suddenly, farts were coming out of everyone. Even Edward joined in the fun! I simply watched in fascination and slight fright. I looked at Renesmee, who was giggling uncontrollably.

"Come on, Eddie, you can do better than that!" Emmett said loudly.

Edward crouched down and grimaced, his teeth clenched. A fart came out of his behind so loud it nearly blew the flowers off the table.

"Whoa, was that a wet one?!" Alice yelled.

"HELL YEAH!" Edward screamed proudly. I had never seen him act like this in our years together. It was kind of… hilarious, yet creepy.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, a glass-breaking, mind-blowingly loud fart was heard. Edward, Emmett, Alice, and Rosalie all stopped dead in their tracks. Their heads turned towards the door, and I turned my head as well. Esme stood at the door, grinning slightly with a purse in her hands.

"Hello, kids", she said, walking further into the door. All of us stared at her in shock. "Oh", she said suddenly, turning towards the door. "Sorry about that, dear. It had to be done". Our heads turned to the door again. Carlisle was lying down on the driveway, his hair messy and face bewildered.

Everyone besides Renesmee burst out laughing. Emmett fell to the floor as Carlisle walked in, carrying a shopping bag. Rosalie fell on top of Emmett, laughing just as hard. Alice fell against Edward's chest, her laughter squeaky.

"Mommy?" Renesmee asked while everyone laughed.

"Yes, dear?" I replied, trying to sound calm rather than freaked out.

"Do vampires burp?"

_THE END_

Note: Okay, that was retarded, I know. We were bored. But I hope you enjoyed it anyways! Review?


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